Today marks Baby Loss Awareness Day.
Today I have decided I want to fully tell my story, in hope that it may help people and help break the silence and the taboo around the subject of miscarriage.
In January 2016, I discovered I was pregnant. I suffered badly with morning sickness, or should I say all-day sickness in my case! It felt never ending. When I told my partner at the time that I was pregnant, his initial reaction was to tell me to have an abortion. I told him that there was no way I was doing that and that I would do it either with or without his help. I started imagining how different life was going to be, what our baby would look like, their first words, first steps, first day of nursery, then school…absolutely everything. You just envision their future. Then in March 2016 we went to our dating scan, when I should have been 13 weeks, this is when we discovered that our little one unfortunately didn’t have a heartbeat and was only measuring 8 weeks. I started feeling many different emotions, including guilt and anger. You start grieving, not only for the loss of your baby, but for the future you have just envisioned. I started questioning everything, Why did this happen? Why did my body fail me? Why did my body not realise that my baby didn’t have a heartbeat? Why did I still have all my symptoms of pregnancy, even though my baby didn’t have a heartbeat? Was this because my partner had said about getting an abortion?
I was given different options for the management of miscarriage. These were either waiting for mother nature to take her course, having medical management or having surgical management under either local or general anaesthetic. I decided to opt for medical management, which is being given tablets which basically induce you as I couldn’t bare the thought of waiting in limbo not knowing when mother nature would take effect. I had never been in hospital before, never mind being in surgery, so the thought of surgery freaked me out.
We went into the hospital a few days later to start the medical management and all was going well to begin with. However later in the evening, I started losing too much blood and passed out. When I came back around I had several doctors and nurses around me, they had put an oxygen mask on me and were trying to do different observations. It was at this point that they realised the medical management wasn’t working and recommended that I go to theatre for surgical management under general anaesthetic. I was kept in hospital overnight so that they could keep an eye on me and I eventually got out the next evening.
Due to the lack of support available at the time in Aberdeen I felt I had no one to turn to or speak to about the trauma that I had been through. At the time I didn’t know of anyone else who had been through a miscarriage as it’s often unspoken about. With not having the support at the time, this led to me bottling everything up and not speaking about it. This then led to me being diagnosed with depression and PTSD.